Of course, we all want to have approval from those we care most about, and that includes friends as well as family. From the time we were old enough to look around and observe others and our surroundings, we have been making judgments about what we see. It’s human nature to compare ourselves to our peers and to want to be as accomplished, attractive, and smart as those around us. And while we know we will be judged, sometimes we are our own harshest critic.
But what about your other critics? Did you grow up in a family with a strict parent with his or her own unbreakable code of what was good, bad, right, and wrong? Did your mother critique your looks, and did she key in on any perceived flaws and not mention the good? Does your spouse or significant other feel free to point out their opinions about everything, including your hair, clothes, and ideas, even if they are not asked? Do you have a friend or friends who you can count on to give you the once over and then point out everything they consider, not quite right? Or maybe that’s a sister, cousin, or other relatives. How do you take this in? Can you brush it off, or does it start to color how you think about yourself?
Even someone with a lot of confidence can be affected by constant negativity.
This is a common complaint with new wig wearers: “my husband/son/daughter/sister doesn’t like the wig on me.” Or hearing… “The wig makes you look….” fill in the blank. Sometimes, our friends or family member can’t even see that what they are saying is bothering us. Maybe they think their “constructive criticism” is something you want. Growing up I had an aunt whose mission in life seemed to be pointing out all of everyone’s flaws, to our faces, and with an audience. It was a great learning experience for me because I was careful to never do this to anyone. And I learned that not everyone’s opinion mattered.
As hard as it is, it is up to us to draw the boundary lines. Other than avoiding these people, is the only way to stop it. However, if we are asking for their input, we must learn to weigh what they say. How much weight does what they say carry for us? Is it out of proportion to reality? Are the person or people making critiques an expert on wigs or hair, for example? Are they just prejudiced when it comes to a color like blondes for example (do they love them or hate them)? Either way, it has no bearing at all on the blonde wig you just bought. Is it all about them or our wig purchase? It is crucial to figure that out before we take in any critique of our wigs.
The wig journey: No one warns you before you start down this path that you will have a psychological journey as well. It can be hard at times. Not only must you deal with your hair loss issues and try to wade through the vast amount of information on wigs, but you must also find one that you hope will work for you. One is rarely prepared to face an onslaught of opinions that others feel free to give.
My best advice is to always consider the source. Along with that, seek out help from professionals. Watch the wig demos on the WigStudio1 page, follow the reviewers on their pages, and soon you will feel more confident. It took me a while to learn that I just couldn’t take a wig from the box, plop it on my head and have it look like the woman in the ad. I had to get over the fear of “messing with it” and I had to learn how to style it.
Once you educate yourself about wigs, you will have the confidence to listen to your voice and learn to filter out others that have no real bearing on the issue at all.
Have a great holiday season, and remember, it is a good time of year to step out of our rut. If like me, you tend to stick with what you know works, sometimes you need a little incentive to try new styles and colors. It was like Christmas for me last weekend as I washed and put away three wigs and got out three others to start a new rotation. That reminded me that change is good and that trying new styles and colors can be very good.
For some reason, the shorter styles were calling my name. I put on Raquel Welch’s “Ready for Takeoff” and the cap was so comfortable that I hardly knew I had it on. Now, that makes me very happy.
Recently, I wrote about the challenges of learning about wigs when one is a senior and hasn't needed a wig before. A lot of women in their sixties and beyond are now looking at wigs as an option who may have not looked at them before. There is more than one reason for this. Women live longer in general and they have products at their disposal to help them look younger longer. We live in the time of Botox, fillers, microcurrent technology to firm up the muscles under the facial skin, and a host of skincare products that can help us look our best. But when it comes to hair—well, it is what it is, and some women are not so happy about that. Their thinning hair makes them look older and is no match for their face and body. What to do?
It was these women that I talked with recently. Their concerns were much the same as a wig wearer of any age. Will the wig look “real” and how do in decided on a cap construction, color, style, and what about wig care? They did have one concern that was different from younger women—length, and the out-of-date thinking that senior women should never wear long hair. As we have all learned by now, it’s all about the wig style, color, one’s face shape, and really—one’s attitude.
When I think about attitude and how that matters, I think of women I know who are always just comfortable in any situation, can talk to anyone about anything, and who have their style. They don’t second guess their choices, or at least they don’t’ seem to dwell on them. They just wear things, including hairstyles, colors, and wigs that just feel right for them. This has been the biggest hurdle in my discussions with senior women. They are of the generation, especially in certain parts of the country, where they do pay more attention to “what their peers might think” and I don’t see that changing. That may be their comfort zone, so that’s fine. When I talked with them about what was holding them back from hitting that “buy” button there were just a few things they were trying to resolve since our last meeting where I did an actual wig presentation using my wigs, answering questions. These questions may resonate with you too—they are not just senior concerns. The top ten questions that came up over and over:
- Can I make a big color change from my bio hair—and if I do, how do I prepare my friends and family for it?
- I don’t want to deal with long wigs because of the care involved, how do the mid-lengths hold up compared with the shorter wigs?
- Should I buy two of the same wig and rotate or wait until one is wearing out before I get another?
- If I don’t want to tell people I’m wearing a wig, how do I make it look more real?
- How do I decide what securing method to use?
- Do I have to wear a wig cap?
- Do I have to shave my head?
- Can I sleep in my wig?
- If I want to go lighter should I do it gradually if I don’t want people to notice and think it’s a wig?
- Should I have a backup wig, asleep wig, a swimming wig, etc.?
I did address all of these questions with the group. I have had some of these questions and I am sure you did (or do) too. Some senior women, depending on the age range, are very media savvy, and some are less so. There is a gap in resources and knowledge in the group that I was dealing with, and that was an eye-opener for me. Some knew how to search for answers and some had no idea. In the end, I decided to make it a personal mission to work with this group on my own to try to help them overcome their fears and hesitations about jumping into the wig world. There is no reason that they can’t wear wigs successfully and feel good about it. If you are a senior woman or if you know a senior woman who is thinking about wig-wearing but is put off by the lack of information or support please encourage them to go to the WigStudio-1 Facebook page or the help desk at WigStudio-1. No one should have to do the wig journey alone.
Along with the shorter wigs that a lot of them like are many of the mid-length ones. These were the most popular in the group, and I hope some are ready to hit the buy button.
Until next week, just get out there and be your version of a beautiful you!
It’s one of life’s ironies (and challenges) that we must keep re-inventing ourselves as things change in our life. Whether it be the many changes we go through to reach adulthood or now, as adults, the changes we must accept and deal with, whether it be by choice or circumstance.
We all have our milestones—graduation, dating, marriage, children, empty nest, and many others that are different or in-between all these. All along the way, we must put our best face forward as the saying goes. We play our part, and we must be the star in our current role no matter what it is. We may be a daughter, son, sibling, friend, employee, partner, wife, husband, but no matter what the title, there is a “real you” underneath that face we put on for every role that we play.
It’s not that we are phony, but we do wear a mask much of our life. We put on one for each of our roles. We’re not exactly the same when we are with our mother as when we are with our best friend or co-workers—you get the idea. But what does this have to do with wigs you may be asking? When one loses their hair, especially a woman, it can bring about a real identity crisis. Hair loss can come on sudden, or take years, or it can come as a result of medical treatment, but whatever way it comes, it is disruptive to our life and our identity. For years we may have been that person with long brown hair, short blonde hair, curly hair, and so on. But now what are we—the person with no hair, or almost no hair? And what does that mean? How do we re-invent ourselves when this happens? We need to remember: We are still the same person as always—just without our old hair.
There’s no getting around the fact that when we lose our hair we lose a part of ourselves—what has always been there may now be no more. It’s a shock, and our self-image is disrupted, and that can affect our lives in many ways. As strong as we may be, as efficient, capable, loved, loving, nice, kind—it doesn’t matter. A loss is a loss and must be dealt with, and often with very little help from others. It’s often the case that others don’t know how to help, or maybe we keep our situation a secret. Regardless, we must deal with sorrow, pain, fear, anger, shame, the best way that we can. For a woman, hair loss means that we are losing one of the things that help identify us as such. Our hair looks different from men’s hair, mostly. We need to remember: We are still the same person as always—just with different hair!
I’m glad I’m living in this time in history (when it comes to wigs anyway) because I know that I can walk down the street, go to any event, meet strangers and friends, and no one will know that I am wearing a wig unless I tell them. Wigs are just that good today. All kinds of people get all kinds of help every day to replace all kinds of losses. Whether it be hair, teeth, limbs, and even organs, we are living in a time where we have options so that we can still be who we thought we were with some help and adjustments. We need to remember: We are still the same person as always—just with lots of different hair to pick from now!
My hope for you is that you never forget who you are as you face your challenges, whether it be hair loss or other types of losses. We will all have them. No one gets out of this life without scars my grandmother used to say. She also said to wear them as a badge of honor because it shows how strong we are. That’s not to say we won’t have some dark moments and look in the mirror and get so angry that we don’t have the hair we had at twenty-five, and we wonder for the millionth time, “why me”?
When I am tempted to say, “why me,” I think of my grandmother who lost her husband before she was forty and was left with six children to raise during the depression. When I was growing up it was all just something in the history books to me. I didn’t connect it to her because I never once heard her complain about it, not even about losing their ranch in Texas. Nor did I hear her complain about the food and materials rationing during the war or hear about her fear when she watched two of her three sons, still teenagers, go off to that war. I never once heard my uncle complain about losing one of his legs. My grandmother never forgot who she was, nor did my uncle. They both got on with their lives. They are my inspiration when times get hard.
I don’t know if I could have endured what my grandmother did without complaining but knowing about it helps me keep things in perspective. In the end, no matter what we have to face, we find our way. We know that though we do play many roles in life if we remember who we are, that will keep us going.
Until next week,
Vickie Lynn saying,
Be proud of who you are, just like these English swans in a lake near London, this past winter. The bad weather doesn’t stop them from being what they are and from doing what they are meant to do. (Picture from my cousin who lives in London and never fails to walk no matter the weather).
Though I blogged about this a while back, it has come up again in recent Facebook posts and elsewhere. So, I wanted to re-visit this topic. How much do you tell others about your decision to wear wigs? This is a decision everyone must make on their own. No one answer fits everyone’s situation.
My friend once said to me, “it’s a mind field of judgment out there” but that can’t be your concern. There is nothing we can do to stop someone from rendering judgment about anything we wear, eat, drive, or do. Humans will be humans. With this in mind, you must decide early on how you will incorporate wig-wearing into your life. Will you just tell your family and close friends? How will you handle telling (or not telling) work colleagues? Again, only you know the best way because only you know your level of confidence, and the dynamics of your relationships, both personal and professional.
Yes, but what about romance? That is a question that I see a lot. How and when or if—you should bring this up. This is tricky because trust places a big role here. I’d certainly not make it a conversation on a first or even second date. After all, if this is someone that you don’t know well, and may not see again, why put yourself through that stress? Now, the tricky part. If you do progress to a more serious relationship, an intimate relationship, then what—how do you prepare your partner ahead of time, or do you have to do that? Unfortunately, there are no rules about this and it comes back to you, your trust level with the other person, and the confidence that you are more than your hair.
If you do get to that point and are still not ready to have the wig discussion, there is one thing my friend recommended that worked for her and allowed her time to ease her way into having the conversation. When they got to the time when she knew their relationship had progressed to the next phase, intimacy, yet she was still not ready to have the wig talk, she told her partner that she had hair extensions in and to keep his hands out of her hair. Plain and simple, and that is what happened. She offered no other explanation until she was ready to, and that was months down the road when she was sure their relationship was one she wanted to cultivate. By then she knew what to expect from him in the way of a reaction, so she took the risk. It worked out for her, but I also know someone who took the risk and never heard from the guy again. But she realized that if she was dealing with someone that shallow, then him walking away was a good thing for her. Why waste your time on someone who judges others solely by their appearance.
If you are like friend number one and you want to take some time, then there are things that you can do to help. You can do as she did or you can just say up front that you are wearing a wig so please don’t mess with it and offer no further information. However, saying that will in all likelihood bring questions, so make sure you are ready to answer them. If you are in the early dating stages there are, of course, ways to secure your wig to keep it looking natural until you do get to a more serious point in your relationship.
What about your work colleagues? That can be handled any way you think best. Depending on the change in your look, you may have someone confront you about it. Only you know your work situation. If it’s just going to a lower density wig from your thinning hair, then you might not need to say anything. I worked with a woman who decided her thinning hair was becoming a confidence breaker so she got a log density wig that matched her bio hair color and length, and just wore it into work—and got compliments on her new haircut. And I take this opportunity to remind you of something that you already know—people are much too concerned about their looks and life to dwell too much on others. We are our own worse critics and this is a hard truth.
If you love wigs and want to wear different styles, and colors regularly to work, then you’ll just have to go for it and tell everyone what you’re doing. In a week or so, it will no longer be a topic. This is the jumping into the fire with both feet approach. Some people can handle it, some rather not make this attempt. Only you can decide.
I hate to end on a negative note but you will run into those, be they family, friends, or co-workers who will have something to say. There are people who seem to see their mission in life is to offer their opinion on everything, whether they know anything about the topic or not. In the case of wigs, I’ve found that it those who know nothing about them who feel they must their critique. Be ready for them. They will ask dumb questions, comment on the color and/or style, ask you the cost, and in general, make you uncomfortable if you let them. I have found a few well-chosen sentences can usually shut them down. Here are some retorts that I’ve heard used over the years by seasoned wig wearers.
“Why yes, it is a wig. Do you have wig or hair styling experience?”
“If you’re interested I can send you some information.”
“Costs vary. I can point you to a few good websites if need more information.”
“People wear wigs for all sorts of reasons. You must feel lucky that you don’t have to.”
“I like being a blonde, but hold on, I could show up as a redhead tomorrow.”
I could go on, but you get the idea. You really DO NOT owe anyone any explanation. How much you decide to “show and tell” is your decision. Don’t let someone force you into it before you’re ready.
Until next time,
Pull out that little bit of the magical witch in you and stand tall.